Sunday, April 3, 2016

Not So Easy This Time

Some things in our lives are so easy to confess. They're not too embarrassing, and we know that many have the same faults to confess, so we easily admit them and repent. But, some things in our lives are not so easy. There are dirty little secrets deeply embedded in our hearts that we have no desire for the world to know. Consequently, those dirty little secrets go on and on, infecting our thinking and poisoning our spiritual lives.

I've harbored my dirty little secret for years. Sometimes it makes me so bitter that I refuse to talk to certain people. Anger and resentment build and build, and those feelings not only cause a rift in relationships, but it causes displeasure and heartache for my Lord and Savior. It's sin, and it needs to be uprooted and eliminated. But, at whom am I angry, the person, or God? Good question.

I wrote my first short story when I was about twelve. It was my childish version of The Swiss Family Robinsons. I began writing poetry before that, and verse is still my very favorite to write. But, writing my thoughts comes easily, much more easily than speaking them. Furthermore, I delight in writing. It's a gift that I know my Father has given to me, passed from my mother's side of the family. My grandmother was a published poet. And so, that goal of writing has been in my mind since I was a teenager. But, it's a goal that I may never be allowed to achieve.

So far, there has been an insurmountable obstacle that keeps me from publishing a book myself, and that is because God won't let me. Every time I think of it I hear Him clearly saying, "No." I'm not losing my mind in thinking this, and He's not being mean by saying it. He has reasons, and I know what they are. And, therein lies my secret.

I have an ex-sister-in-law. For many years she and I were very close. We shared many heartaches and happy times, and we also shared a love for Jesus. She told me once that she was jealous of me because I had many friends, and her husband would never allow her to have friends. He was extremely abusive to her, and after thirty years of miserable marriage she finally left him. My sister-in-law is now writing a book about her years of being a battered and abused wife. So, you see, the jealousy tables have turned, and frankly, I'm not handling my feelings as well as she handled hers years ago. I am angry. All my life I wanted to write a book and God won't let me. In my bitterness I reason that she is not a natural writer, as I believe I am, but God is sanctioning her endeavor and forbidding mine. 

Yes. I know full well that kind of thinking is wrong, twisted, injurious and unfair. This is my dirty little secret, and it keeps me from communicating over the miles with her, and I am even uncivil at times. I am sick with shame, but I have not yet repented. I am hoping that this blog will help me to rebuke my sin. She may have suspected something, but I have never told her about these feelings. I pray she will forgive me.

As long as I am unrepentant of this jealousy and bitterness, I know with certainty that I will not have a book published, and maybe not even then. He knows my pride, and He knows what I need and don't need to be spiritually close to Him, and I am willing to comply. But, I haven't reached the place where He wants me to give it all to Him, to release these feelings to Him and lay them at His feet. I hold on to the shirttails of my pride, and I will suffer with that until I have totally released it to Him. And, I must make my peace with her.

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