His Mercy Humbles Me

I have been reading a book by John Eldridge, The Journey of Desire, and in one chapter, The Divine Thwarter, I am feeling challenged about the disappointment I have felt over the last few years. 

I came to Christ later in life than many. I had lived a life of physical pleasures and addictions, wanting only to please myself. I had Jesus compartmentalized in a corner of my mind. I knew who He was, and I was baptized at age eleven. As long as I believed in my head that He was the Son of God, I felt I was good. So, I lived my life the way I desired, trying to make believe I was happy, but knowing that I was completely miserable with the choices I had made for my life over the years, and I was angry most of the time.

Then, at age thirty-seven, I accepted Jesus as Savior and Lord of my life, and everything changed. My passion was to serve Him and worship Him, to honor Him in any way that He asked me to do. He asked me to leave my career to be home with my teenagers who were struggling. I willing did that, though it almost cost my marriage because it cut our family income in half. I stayed with an abusive husband because God told me to. I lost every friend I had, but I made many, many new ones to encourage me in my new life. He asked. I was faithful. And I grew spiritually through hearing and reading His word.

In 2002 things changed again. I had a botched surgery that had me bedridden for over six months. It took years of more surgeries to try to correct the problem, but I have never been able to recover fully. More surgeries for other problems have incapacitated me more and more, and being unable to be ambulatory took its toll over the last thirteen years. I now walk with a cane much of the time. I am overweight, and I cannot exercise. My body has replacement parts, I live on multiple medications, and I am in pain continually.

I am 67 years old with an 85 year old body. Yes. I do feel sorry for myself. There are places that I would love to serve Him, but it is no longer possible. I have to say "no" when I'm asked. I am misunderstood. It seems now that the only ministry I can be involved in is one that is from home, with my phone or in prayer. Disappointed? Yes, I am. I feel as if I have been thwarted, and I don't understand why God has allowed it because I came to Him so late, and I have so much desire to do so much more.

God spoke to me this morning. He said, "You came to Me late, you said it yourself. You wasted 37 years on pleasing yourself instead of Me. You put substances in your body that weren't good for you. You developed unhealthy addictions. You sat on your throne all those years and hardly gave Me a thought. And now you feel sorry for yourself and disappointed? You want Me to rescue you from the harm you did to yourself? I am God! I will do as I please, and I choose not to rescue you this time as I did so many times before you accepted My Son. Now you will serve Me as I choose, and you must choose to serve Me with gladness and patience in your humbled state. I love you, and I have always been merciful to you. That won't ever stop."

It seems harsh? No. It is truly a mercy that I didn't die many times. He has been good to me when I wasn't even His friend. I will be thankful. I will get over being disappointed. I will get over being jealous of those who can serve Him in the ways that I always wanted to. Maybe not today, but I will get over it. I know He will help me, but it's my turn to be merciful to myself.